Introspection

WARNING: This post will be VERY RANDOM!!!

Me. 25. Aspiring Opera Singer. No real home to call my own. Is this where I envisioned myself say...10 years ago?

I can honestly proclaim that even 3 years ago I never pictured myself in the situation I am in now. That's not to say that things are bad, because they are far from that. I have been blessed in truly extraordinary ways and am/will always be thankful for those blesssings. That being said, at this juncture in my life, there are more things that I desire and need. And taking a step outside of my bubble, I can see that the only person who has prevented me from having those things is me.

I was told that I give way too much for others, and often leave myself scraps of nothing. This is VERY true. I give my all for others so that they can know even an inkling of the happiness I feel. I can see when it's missing from someone's life and the desire to help bring it about takes over. It's indescribable! And no, I don't mind doing it at all, it's how I was raised, to give the shirt off of my back so that my fellow man can get through the day. However, I have realized, that because I am not taking care of myself the way I should have been doing years ago, I have not been able to give my very best to anyone. If things were as I would like them to be, so much more of my self and my heart could be shared. I would not only be content with life, but with my surroundings. *stops to reflect*

...changes have to be made. I have to put myself first from now on. Perhaps that is another reason why I have not been able to find a man to fall in love with. I have not given myself the care I have needed. In essence, I am not prepared to love another when I have not showered myself with enough love - a depressing and exciting thought all at the same time. PRAISE THE LORD FOR SELF-ACTUALIZATION!

People have sometimes commented on how lofty and fanciful my thinking is...especially about love. There can be no explanation as to where it comes from...other than perhaps it was because no one in my family showed any kind of affection. I don't think my mom ever outwardly told me she loved me. I knew there was love among us, but knowing it isn't enough. Sometimes, people need to hear it, or have it shown. I am truly surprised that I have not become a shell of a man, devoid of any idea of how to love. No, I don't know where my optimism comes from at times, or why I believe in the things I do...I just do. For me, that is enough. I don't need an explanation. I can take comfort in the fact that it is how I feel.

On Love:
I try very hard to take an honest and objective look at myself - try to find out what things I can improve in myself to be a more attractive and wholesome man. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a damn good catch. I don't see what's wrong with me. I am educated, ambitious, my self esteem isn't the greatest but I don't think I'm ugly, I take care of myself, I have goals and passion. Am I missing something? People say it takes patience and usually happens when it is most unexpected. How long do I have to wait, damnit! I'm 25 years old and have no idea what it's like to be in a relationship...to wake up next to someone you're madly in love with and smile at the idea that God saw fit to bless you with such a wonderful person in your life - that he was fashioned by God just for me...to be able to say "I love you" and have it said back to you...to enjoy the thrills and pains of real emotion with someone else. When is it going to be my turn?!

On Singing:
This is the year. I have to start making BIG strides to get my career going. If I don't do it know, I fear it will be too late. So this is it. Do or don't! I plan to DO!

I expect there to be many suprises for me this year. I hope that they will all be good ones, and that things can really get going this year. I have been complacent long enough. My engines are revved and I am ready to take off!