Inane Ramblings of a Convoluted Mind

So, not only have I decided to make this blog about the what-have-you's in my life, I've also decided to make it a soap box for all of my prophetic and facetious proclamations - and the occasional story or two that I decided I had to dispose of from my brain.

*steps onto the soap box*

Today's issue is: Gay Men. *cue bombastic music*

For you faithful non-readers, I am a homosexual man. Happily out and proud for over 8 years now. In that time, I have tried time and again to find a worthwhile guy to date. I don't think my expectations are unreasonable at all - a man, flawed and imperfect, with his own quirks that I know will make him irresistible. With that, however, I do expect for him to be able to communicate openly and honestly, never be afraid to show his emotions, and feel like romance is not dead and overrated. Thinking twice about that, "Does he exist?"

Does my "Hector" really exist? Is the man of my dreams out there? Am I deluding myself with visions of grandeur and futile hope?

I would like to think...no...I BELIEVE that the man I will spend the rest of my life with is out there, and that it is only a matter of time before we are face to face, arm in arm, and lip to lip. I am a firm and avid believer in God being a happy God, a just God. That if we put our trust and faith in him, we shall have the desires of our heart. If we were not meant to have them, why would they be our desires? No two people want the exact same things so wouldn't that lend credence to the idea that what we want must be out there for us. And if that is true, then it also must be that there are things we can do to make them so. For me, I know I must continually have faith in my God and know that if I stick with him, I'll have everything I need and want. Now, for those who don't know me, what I need and want by no means requires any kind of tangible possessions. If they come in that form, greaty, but they are not what I need. With that said, sticking with him and sitting and waiting won't do the trick for me either. I know I have to put forth good, hard work as well. I have to be willing to get down and dirty to lend the kind of results I seek. With the marriage of those two things, I know that it is only an inevitability that good things will come my way - my life is proof of that.

Any pickle, back to this gay men thing: Why the hell are so many of them so self involved and arrogant to an astronomical degree? Why do so many only seem to want the mirror image of themselves? Why are so few attracted to black men? What is it about me that either leaves a bitter taste to their membranes or intimidates them? If anyone can shed some light to this I am all ears...

I would like to think that I am an attractive man, with his head on properly and enough ambition to make Donald Trump's hair start to regrow itself. Hmm...perhaps that is the...problem? Maybe I am too much for the average gay man. Perhaps I am "too good" as some of my friends have told me. I know I am often perceived as some saint, as if my lips have never uttered anything less than Virgin Mary jargon, or that my mind cannot manifest thoughts of XXX-dom and pure, unadulterated lust, or that my body does not ache for the touch of another man. Well, these things could not be further from the truth. I will be the first to admit that I am no saint. *stands* "Hi, my name is Antoine and I am a heathen" *uproarous applause* *graceful bow*

I am me. Nothing more. Nothing less.

In any case, all I can do is be patient and stay positive, and know that "Hector" is just around the corner, waiting for me to lift him into my loving arms and wisk him away to happyness that rivals myths.

*sigh*