...for not blogging like I know I should be. Life has been tumultuous, but in a good way. So where shall I begin:
Work
Work is good. It started off as great, until we lost two-thirds of our staff and I'm now working more hours than I really care to. However, I have been given lots of responsibilities, which I like and am still enjoying the things I do. I would just like to not have to do so much of them :D Hopefully, we will have more people hired in the next few weeks, which should lighten the burden on the few of us that are left - which will be very nice indeed.
Life
Life is damn good. I have a job I enjoy, my friendships have gotten stronger, even my relationship with my mom has gotten better (although I think that is due to my having a job she deems stable.) It seems we are all at a point where there is finally no struggle. That's not to say that things are easy, because they are not, but the struggle has subsided for a while...and it feels good. I am still as content as ever I have been so praise be to Allah for my good times.
Love
Still as elusive as ever. However, in recent weeks, there have been a few gentlemanly suitors who have caught my eye and have ultimately really helped me to understand what it is I truly want. "Hector" is what I want (or at least some other magnificent versions of him) This means I ultimately would like to date a hispanic, middle eastern, or greek man, who is of decent height with some meat on his bones and passion in his heart. Although the latter goes without saying as most ethnic men I have met have more passion in their pinky finger than some others take a lifetime to attain. This is what I want. This is what I'm waiting for...have been waiting for. It has taken a few great, but ultimately "no-go" guys for me to finally realize that. And now, I can wait. It feels good. I have always known what I was attracted to, but never really solidified what it was I wanted. I was afraid that to be so specific meant to eliminate possibilities. However, in truth, to know what I want is to open the door to limitless possibilities. And this time, I won't be settling.
Music
I haven't been able to get into much singing lately, though I have immersed myself in classical music again. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I promise, though, that once I have a reasonable work schedule, I will pick up my books again and get to work. December is fast approaching and I must be ready for my first audition. There are no excuses for procrastination or lack of preparation. I have everything I need to make what I want come to pass. I'll keep you posted on this one...
Etc.
So, I am considering moving to L.A. again. I didn't think I would consider wanting to go back, but strangely enough, I do. It's not New York, but it's a start. And I can't really rule out New York at all, because it is where my heart belongs and given the chance, I would move there in a heartbeat. I would hate to disappoint my best friend, but I can't cater to his life anymore. If he wants things to happen, he has to make them happen, and not by the soles of my feet can he be carried anymore. I told myself I would take better care of myself and I plan to continue to do that, by whatever means necessary. Again, I shall keep you posted on this as well...this is slowly, ever developing news that I feel will only get better as time progresses.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Introspection
WARNING: This post will be VERY RANDOM!!!
Me. 25. Aspiring Opera Singer. No real home to call my own. Is this where I envisioned myself say...10 years ago?
I can honestly proclaim that even 3 years ago I never pictured myself in the situation I am in now. That's not to say that things are bad, because they are far from that. I have been blessed in truly extraordinary ways and am/will always be thankful for those blesssings. That being said, at this juncture in my life, there are more things that I desire and need. And taking a step outside of my bubble, I can see that the only person who has prevented me from having those things is me.
I was told that I give way too much for others, and often leave myself scraps of nothing. This is VERY true. I give my all for others so that they can know even an inkling of the happiness I feel. I can see when it's missing from someone's life and the desire to help bring it about takes over. It's indescribable! And no, I don't mind doing it at all, it's how I was raised, to give the shirt off of my back so that my fellow man can get through the day. However, I have realized, that because I am not taking care of myself the way I should have been doing years ago, I have not been able to give my very best to anyone. If things were as I would like them to be, so much more of my self and my heart could be shared. I would not only be content with life, but with my surroundings. *stops to reflect*
...changes have to be made. I have to put myself first from now on. Perhaps that is another reason why I have not been able to find a man to fall in love with. I have not given myself the care I have needed. In essence, I am not prepared to love another when I have not showered myself with enough love - a depressing and exciting thought all at the same time. PRAISE THE LORD FOR SELF-ACTUALIZATION!
People have sometimes commented on how lofty and fanciful my thinking is...especially about love. There can be no explanation as to where it comes from...other than perhaps it was because no one in my family showed any kind of affection. I don't think my mom ever outwardly told me she loved me. I knew there was love among us, but knowing it isn't enough. Sometimes, people need to hear it, or have it shown. I am truly surprised that I have not become a shell of a man, devoid of any idea of how to love. No, I don't know where my optimism comes from at times, or why I believe in the things I do...I just do. For me, that is enough. I don't need an explanation. I can take comfort in the fact that it is how I feel.
On Love:
I try very hard to take an honest and objective look at myself - try to find out what things I can improve in myself to be a more attractive and wholesome man. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a damn good catch. I don't see what's wrong with me. I am educated, ambitious, my self esteem isn't the greatest but I don't think I'm ugly, I take care of myself, I have goals and passion. Am I missing something? People say it takes patience and usually happens when it is most unexpected. How long do I have to wait, damnit! I'm 25 years old and have no idea what it's like to be in a relationship...to wake up next to someone you're madly in love with and smile at the idea that God saw fit to bless you with such a wonderful person in your life - that he was fashioned by God just for me...to be able to say "I love you" and have it said back to you...to enjoy the thrills and pains of real emotion with someone else. When is it going to be my turn?!
On Singing:
This is the year. I have to start making BIG strides to get my career going. If I don't do it know, I fear it will be too late. So this is it. Do or don't! I plan to DO!
I expect there to be many suprises for me this year. I hope that they will all be good ones, and that things can really get going this year. I have been complacent long enough. My engines are revved and I am ready to take off!
Me. 25. Aspiring Opera Singer. No real home to call my own. Is this where I envisioned myself say...10 years ago?
I can honestly proclaim that even 3 years ago I never pictured myself in the situation I am in now. That's not to say that things are bad, because they are far from that. I have been blessed in truly extraordinary ways and am/will always be thankful for those blesssings. That being said, at this juncture in my life, there are more things that I desire and need. And taking a step outside of my bubble, I can see that the only person who has prevented me from having those things is me.
I was told that I give way too much for others, and often leave myself scraps of nothing. This is VERY true. I give my all for others so that they can know even an inkling of the happiness I feel. I can see when it's missing from someone's life and the desire to help bring it about takes over. It's indescribable! And no, I don't mind doing it at all, it's how I was raised, to give the shirt off of my back so that my fellow man can get through the day. However, I have realized, that because I am not taking care of myself the way I should have been doing years ago, I have not been able to give my very best to anyone. If things were as I would like them to be, so much more of my self and my heart could be shared. I would not only be content with life, but with my surroundings. *stops to reflect*
...changes have to be made. I have to put myself first from now on. Perhaps that is another reason why I have not been able to find a man to fall in love with. I have not given myself the care I have needed. In essence, I am not prepared to love another when I have not showered myself with enough love - a depressing and exciting thought all at the same time. PRAISE THE LORD FOR SELF-ACTUALIZATION!
People have sometimes commented on how lofty and fanciful my thinking is...especially about love. There can be no explanation as to where it comes from...other than perhaps it was because no one in my family showed any kind of affection. I don't think my mom ever outwardly told me she loved me. I knew there was love among us, but knowing it isn't enough. Sometimes, people need to hear it, or have it shown. I am truly surprised that I have not become a shell of a man, devoid of any idea of how to love. No, I don't know where my optimism comes from at times, or why I believe in the things I do...I just do. For me, that is enough. I don't need an explanation. I can take comfort in the fact that it is how I feel.
On Love:
I try very hard to take an honest and objective look at myself - try to find out what things I can improve in myself to be a more attractive and wholesome man. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a damn good catch. I don't see what's wrong with me. I am educated, ambitious, my self esteem isn't the greatest but I don't think I'm ugly, I take care of myself, I have goals and passion. Am I missing something? People say it takes patience and usually happens when it is most unexpected. How long do I have to wait, damnit! I'm 25 years old and have no idea what it's like to be in a relationship...to wake up next to someone you're madly in love with and smile at the idea that God saw fit to bless you with such a wonderful person in your life - that he was fashioned by God just for me...to be able to say "I love you" and have it said back to you...to enjoy the thrills and pains of real emotion with someone else. When is it going to be my turn?!
On Singing:
This is the year. I have to start making BIG strides to get my career going. If I don't do it know, I fear it will be too late. So this is it. Do or don't! I plan to DO!
I expect there to be many suprises for me this year. I hope that they will all be good ones, and that things can really get going this year. I have been complacent long enough. My engines are revved and I am ready to take off!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
"Yes Ma'am"
WARNING: This is a random post!
So tonight my best friend, Tyrel, and I went out to this restaurant in Denver called Hamburger Mary's. Most of you might be familiar with the name because there are several locations of HM's around the country. Needless to say it is one of my favorite places to eat - not in L.A. though. That location gave me the worst blumbles (don't ask, that is a topic for later discussion). Any pickle, while Ty was enjoying the evening with his 'boyfriend in question', I happened to notice this really handsome hispanic man, his presence made more evident with one of the servers going to speak to him and stopping by our table to tell me how much he adores him. Lord if I didn't agree with him.
So, i'm enjoying my Turkey Club Panini (one of the best damn sandwiches I've ever had in my life!) and bopping to the music and I catch him out of the corner of my eye. What is he doing? Looking at me! STOP MY NERVE!!!! Woo, I'm about to get ghetto, but this guy was so damn good looking. He totally invoked one of my "yes ma'am's"...you'd have to hear and see it to get the effect of it. So for the rest of that evening my eyes were glued in his direction, with the occasional 'mmhm' to the conversation Ty and Jimmy (his BFIQ) were having. And I was ever so happy to see that his eyes did linger over to me alot.
Did I say anything to him? NO, I'm a big chicken-poop!
So the night progressed and we ended up at this fun bar called Compound Basix. I don't go there often but Ty's BFIQ was in town and he wanted to show him all the bars and clubs. So we go and guess who's there? My hamburger mary's mystery man. I did not speak right away, but I summoned the courage to just before he was about to leave. He was a very charming guy...Jesse, is his name, and was very sweet. Sadly, he is fresh out of a relationship so he wants to be single for a while, but he did make it known that he thought I was very handsome and that if we ever see each other again that we should talk...and that I smelled good, WOOT!
It didn't turn out like I would have dreamed, but I gained immeasurable confidence this evening. For once, a guy that I was VERY attracted to was attracted to me, and made a point of telling me that. I cannot begin to describe how good that makes me feel, and how much hope that gives me. I could run to highest rooftop and sing exuberant praises of mirth! But I won't because it's late and I've had alcohol...not a good combination:-p
*sits in a state of proverbial bliss*
A good night. A good night indeed!
Ciao
So tonight my best friend, Tyrel, and I went out to this restaurant in Denver called Hamburger Mary's. Most of you might be familiar with the name because there are several locations of HM's around the country. Needless to say it is one of my favorite places to eat - not in L.A. though. That location gave me the worst blumbles (don't ask, that is a topic for later discussion). Any pickle, while Ty was enjoying the evening with his 'boyfriend in question', I happened to notice this really handsome hispanic man, his presence made more evident with one of the servers going to speak to him and stopping by our table to tell me how much he adores him. Lord if I didn't agree with him.
So, i'm enjoying my Turkey Club Panini (one of the best damn sandwiches I've ever had in my life!) and bopping to the music and I catch him out of the corner of my eye. What is he doing? Looking at me! STOP MY NERVE!!!! Woo, I'm about to get ghetto, but this guy was so damn good looking. He totally invoked one of my "yes ma'am's"...you'd have to hear and see it to get the effect of it. So for the rest of that evening my eyes were glued in his direction, with the occasional 'mmhm' to the conversation Ty and Jimmy (his BFIQ) were having. And I was ever so happy to see that his eyes did linger over to me alot.
Did I say anything to him? NO, I'm a big chicken-poop!
So the night progressed and we ended up at this fun bar called Compound Basix. I don't go there often but Ty's BFIQ was in town and he wanted to show him all the bars and clubs. So we go and guess who's there? My hamburger mary's mystery man. I did not speak right away, but I summoned the courage to just before he was about to leave. He was a very charming guy...Jesse, is his name, and was very sweet. Sadly, he is fresh out of a relationship so he wants to be single for a while, but he did make it known that he thought I was very handsome and that if we ever see each other again that we should talk...and that I smelled good, WOOT!
It didn't turn out like I would have dreamed, but I gained immeasurable confidence this evening. For once, a guy that I was VERY attracted to was attracted to me, and made a point of telling me that. I cannot begin to describe how good that makes me feel, and how much hope that gives me. I could run to highest rooftop and sing exuberant praises of mirth! But I won't because it's late and I've had alcohol...not a good combination:-p
*sits in a state of proverbial bliss*
A good night. A good night indeed!
Ciao
Friday, January 25, 2008
Inane Ramblings of a Convoluted Mind
So, not only have I decided to make this blog about the what-have-you's in my life, I've also decided to make it a soap box for all of my prophetic and facetious proclamations - and the occasional story or two that I decided I had to dispose of from my brain.
*steps onto the soap box*
Today's issue is: Gay Men. *cue bombastic music*
For you faithful non-readers, I am a homosexual man. Happily out and proud for over 8 years now. In that time, I have tried time and again to find a worthwhile guy to date. I don't think my expectations are unreasonable at all - a man, flawed and imperfect, with his own quirks that I know will make him irresistible. With that, however, I do expect for him to be able to communicate openly and honestly, never be afraid to show his emotions, and feel like romance is not dead and overrated. Thinking twice about that, "Does he exist?"
Does my "Hector" really exist? Is the man of my dreams out there? Am I deluding myself with visions of grandeur and futile hope?
I would like to think...no...I BELIEVE that the man I will spend the rest of my life with is out there, and that it is only a matter of time before we are face to face, arm in arm, and lip to lip. I am a firm and avid believer in God being a happy God, a just God. That if we put our trust and faith in him, we shall have the desires of our heart. If we were not meant to have them, why would they be our desires? No two people want the exact same things so wouldn't that lend credence to the idea that what we want must be out there for us. And if that is true, then it also must be that there are things we can do to make them so. For me, I know I must continually have faith in my God and know that if I stick with him, I'll have everything I need and want. Now, for those who don't know me, what I need and want by no means requires any kind of tangible possessions. If they come in that form, greaty, but they are not what I need. With that said, sticking with him and sitting and waiting won't do the trick for me either. I know I have to put forth good, hard work as well. I have to be willing to get down and dirty to lend the kind of results I seek. With the marriage of those two things, I know that it is only an inevitability that good things will come my way - my life is proof of that.
Any pickle, back to this gay men thing: Why the hell are so many of them so self involved and arrogant to an astronomical degree? Why do so many only seem to want the mirror image of themselves? Why are so few attracted to black men? What is it about me that either leaves a bitter taste to their membranes or intimidates them? If anyone can shed some light to this I am all ears...
I would like to think that I am an attractive man, with his head on properly and enough ambition to make Donald Trump's hair start to regrow itself. Hmm...perhaps that is the...problem? Maybe I am too much for the average gay man. Perhaps I am "too good" as some of my friends have told me. I know I am often perceived as some saint, as if my lips have never uttered anything less than Virgin Mary jargon, or that my mind cannot manifest thoughts of XXX-dom and pure, unadulterated lust, or that my body does not ache for the touch of another man. Well, these things could not be further from the truth. I will be the first to admit that I am no saint. *stands* "Hi, my name is Antoine and I am a heathen" *uproarous applause* *graceful bow*
*steps onto the soap box*
Today's issue is: Gay Men. *cue bombastic music*
For you faithful non-readers, I am a homosexual man. Happily out and proud for over 8 years now. In that time, I have tried time and again to find a worthwhile guy to date. I don't think my expectations are unreasonable at all - a man, flawed and imperfect, with his own quirks that I know will make him irresistible. With that, however, I do expect for him to be able to communicate openly and honestly, never be afraid to show his emotions, and feel like romance is not dead and overrated. Thinking twice about that, "Does he exist?"
Does my "Hector" really exist? Is the man of my dreams out there? Am I deluding myself with visions of grandeur and futile hope?
I would like to think...no...I BELIEVE that the man I will spend the rest of my life with is out there, and that it is only a matter of time before we are face to face, arm in arm, and lip to lip. I am a firm and avid believer in God being a happy God, a just God. That if we put our trust and faith in him, we shall have the desires of our heart. If we were not meant to have them, why would they be our desires? No two people want the exact same things so wouldn't that lend credence to the idea that what we want must be out there for us. And if that is true, then it also must be that there are things we can do to make them so. For me, I know I must continually have faith in my God and know that if I stick with him, I'll have everything I need and want. Now, for those who don't know me, what I need and want by no means requires any kind of tangible possessions. If they come in that form, greaty, but they are not what I need. With that said, sticking with him and sitting and waiting won't do the trick for me either. I know I have to put forth good, hard work as well. I have to be willing to get down and dirty to lend the kind of results I seek. With the marriage of those two things, I know that it is only an inevitability that good things will come my way - my life is proof of that.
Any pickle, back to this gay men thing: Why the hell are so many of them so self involved and arrogant to an astronomical degree? Why do so many only seem to want the mirror image of themselves? Why are so few attracted to black men? What is it about me that either leaves a bitter taste to their membranes or intimidates them? If anyone can shed some light to this I am all ears...
I would like to think that I am an attractive man, with his head on properly and enough ambition to make Donald Trump's hair start to regrow itself. Hmm...perhaps that is the...problem? Maybe I am too much for the average gay man. Perhaps I am "too good" as some of my friends have told me. I know I am often perceived as some saint, as if my lips have never uttered anything less than Virgin Mary jargon, or that my mind cannot manifest thoughts of XXX-dom and pure, unadulterated lust, or that my body does not ache for the touch of another man. Well, these things could not be further from the truth. I will be the first to admit that I am no saint. *stands* "Hi, my name is Antoine and I am a heathen" *uproarous applause* *graceful bow*
I am me. Nothing more. Nothing less.
In any case, all I can do is be patient and stay positive, and know that "Hector" is just around the corner, waiting for me to lift him into my loving arms and wisk him away to happyness that rivals myths.
*sigh*
Musings...
So, here I am again, starting a new blog for a new chapter in my life. If I look back two years ago, I would not have imagined that I would be where I am today. It may not seem like much to most, but to me, these small changes have been life altering. Most were and are for the best and some have reared less than favorable outcomes...C'est la vie!
Grand Junction, Colorado - A backdrop neatly tucked in the folds of the magestic Rocky Mountains with views at every corner. A quaint place that appeals to some and brings grief to others.
I am the latter.
I came here to get away from…life. Atlanta proved to be a great place for singing – abundant opportunities. Yet it proved to be a sphere of drama. And anyone who knows me can tell you that I don’t take drama very well. People I thought were friends proved to be nothing more than a cancer that adhered itself to me and drained all the energy I had, and plagued my mind endlessly. I had to get away and find a place where I could just breathe…Grand Junction, Colorado.
I won't even begin to go into how I ended up here, but let's just say that when the opportunity came knocking, I answered swiftly. So here I am, a year later, and more determined than ever to really get my career going and find love someplace. If I have learned anything, is that drama follows you wherever you go. It is no longer a matter of trying to escape it, to escape life. It is about learning to deal with the blows, ducking and dodging your way out of it all - finding that glimmer of silver that leads to a thin lining of peace and calm. Life is the journey you take, not the destination. It's how you measure up to the standards you have for yourself and how you brave life's grotesqueries. In the midst of that, though, there is happyness to be gained, if you know where to find it. I have been fortunate enough to find it through a strong sense of self, mild confidence, endless patience, and faith that if I can continually work towards the things I desire, my success will be continual. And, despite the mini-quests on this proverbial journey, life has been damn good to me!
Je suis à jamais reconnaissant pour la vie que j'ai habité. Les pauvres, Effrayés, Fâchés, Tristes, la Blessure, Trahie, Violée, Reniée - je sais gré pour lui tout parce qu'il m'a fait l'homme je suis aujourd'hui. ..fashioned par Dieu pour être véritablement stupéfiant.
What's next...
It is time to get my lazy ass in gear. 2008 will prove to be a productive year. A year where I can work towards fulfilling my desires and becoming ever more happier a man than I am now. For this, I am truly excited!
Grand Junction, Colorado - A backdrop neatly tucked in the folds of the magestic Rocky Mountains with views at every corner. A quaint place that appeals to some and brings grief to others.
I am the latter.
I came here to get away from…life. Atlanta proved to be a great place for singing – abundant opportunities. Yet it proved to be a sphere of drama. And anyone who knows me can tell you that I don’t take drama very well. People I thought were friends proved to be nothing more than a cancer that adhered itself to me and drained all the energy I had, and plagued my mind endlessly. I had to get away and find a place where I could just breathe…Grand Junction, Colorado.
I won't even begin to go into how I ended up here, but let's just say that when the opportunity came knocking, I answered swiftly. So here I am, a year later, and more determined than ever to really get my career going and find love someplace. If I have learned anything, is that drama follows you wherever you go. It is no longer a matter of trying to escape it, to escape life. It is about learning to deal with the blows, ducking and dodging your way out of it all - finding that glimmer of silver that leads to a thin lining of peace and calm. Life is the journey you take, not the destination. It's how you measure up to the standards you have for yourself and how you brave life's grotesqueries. In the midst of that, though, there is happyness to be gained, if you know where to find it. I have been fortunate enough to find it through a strong sense of self, mild confidence, endless patience, and faith that if I can continually work towards the things I desire, my success will be continual. And, despite the mini-quests on this proverbial journey, life has been damn good to me!
Je suis à jamais reconnaissant pour la vie que j'ai habité. Les pauvres, Effrayés, Fâchés, Tristes, la Blessure, Trahie, Violée, Reniée - je sais gré pour lui tout parce qu'il m'a fait l'homme je suis aujourd'hui. ..fashioned par Dieu pour être véritablement stupéfiant.
What's next...
It is time to get my lazy ass in gear. 2008 will prove to be a productive year. A year where I can work towards fulfilling my desires and becoming ever more happier a man than I am now. For this, I am truly excited!
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